Ghosts among us in the church

My buddy Pete Wilson wrote another article that got me thinking again….

I think, to be perfectly blunt, if you have been a believer for any length of time you will become desensitized to people around you and their needs.  Now if you expect me to quote some sort of statistic and cite a study…well I guess you will have to live with your own disappointment….my observation is based on experience.

I had been mulling over stuff for awhile and trying to find a good way to write about it….but when Pete’s article hit my mailbox…it became obvious…I just needed to put my feelings out there and not sugar coat what I was feeling.

After my ex decided that she didn’t want to be married anymore and I had moved out.  I tried to maintain the status quo in my life. Church…maintaining stuff as a member of a member of a leadership team….I tried to keep things going not so much that everything was okay but more out of a sense of fear and survival-(if i stop I will fall apart and will never keep my world together).  I tried different churches in the same fellowship…but much the same results…this overwhelming sense of pressure to not be real about the fact that I was hurting and needed a friend….and some of the feelings were valid…..

• friends didn’t stay in touch
• People never asked how I was doing
• People would turn and walk the other direction if I saw them at walmart.

All of those feelings on top of dealing with Manic and depressive episodes (I struggle with Bipolar disorder)  made for my body to start breaking down. Now am I saying that it was the church’s fault that my body was acting like that….no…I am not….what I am saying is that the churches lack of response helped encourage the negative feelings that I was feeling…..feelings like:

• Worthlessness
• Self-Anger
• Depression
• self-hatred

If anyone had an excuse to quit church….I did…..

Until a year ago…..

After my doctor told me I needed to take it easy with all the walking I was doing…I knew I needed to find a church close by…Well from where I was at…the United Methodist Church seemed to be the best canidate for the job.

So I went….and it was good…..for the first time in a long time I felt free enough to worship…I don’t remember singing…but I do remember just sitting their listening to the music…and feeling totally exhausted and burnt out….and I new it was okay….

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:28-31 NIV)

It was only the start of the adventure for me….as I got to know people there…people began to talk to me…and minister to me.  When I said that I was going to pay bills…and one guy told me that if it was raining to call him..”you don’t need to be walking in bad weather”…Instead of letting me isolate on wednesday nite….my pastor’s wife would always greet me and tell me how glad she was to see me…even when I didn’t feel very greetable…and I actually think she meant it.  My pastor let me talk to him and told me if I needed to talk to just call…and he never acted like it was an imposition.

When I offered to do some research for him and helped with getting some tech solutions implemented to help organize things….well he told me that I was helping. He asked me my opinions about things…he gave me responsibilities.  Even when I made mistakes…he was their to tell me that I was forgiven and it was okay to “not be perfect”.

I am a walking ghost….if you are a pastor I am willing to bet that there are walking ghosts in your congregations….we are the ones who struggle and are paralyzed by the chains of our disabilities.  We won’t pursue you because we are afraid of rejection…since we have faced it for most of our lives.  We need to be pursued and helped to see that our lives have meaning.  We need that friend that will call us to have a cup of coffee…and will cry with us because our hearts are hurting and we are struggling. We don’t need to preached at about our sin…we need a friend that will walk with us in the midst of our sin issues and help us to work through the muck of our lives to the find the Christ that wants to heal us and walk with us even inspite of our issues. We just need grace…not the kind of grace that says “if you follow the rules you are accepted”…but the grace that says “I am accepted and loved and wanted…My abba loves me period…I don’t want to hurt him for nothing…”

A walking ghost just needs love….

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